The United States Senate voted late Friday night to pass H.R. 0401, titled America’s Plan to Restore Individual Liberty and Financial Openness for Our Localities and States. That bill, which President Donald J. Trump has vowed to sign when it reaches his desk later this evening, will effectively end the use of the Dollar as official U.S. currency, and replace it with Bitcoin and a “basket” of other digital currencies. In a surprising show of bipartisan solidarity, the bill passed both the House and Senate without a single dissenting vote.
The law includes provisions that repeal the Coinage Act of 1792 - which created the United States Dollar and designated it as the young nation’s lawful tender - as well as all subsequent currency legislation. The Act also establishes a commission to determine how the Treasury and other government agencies will be reorganized to ensure that the transition is accomplished with a minimal amount of disruption to bureaucrats' vacation plans.
The bill also mandates the return of the popular Firefly television show, which was mistakenly cancelled more than a decade ago before it had even completed its first season.
While the new law will come as a surprise to many Americans - since there was no formal or informal debate, and reports indicate that lawmakers have yet to see the actual bill - government sources insist that this change is necessary. According to one official who spoke on condition of anonymity,
“Look, everyone here in Washington D.C. has known for some time that our fiat currency system was unsustainable. We’ve spent decades manipulating the dollar to prop the system up, and all that we’ve got for our troubles is an endless cycle of boom and bust. Our brilliant central planners just aren’t as brilliant as we thought they were.”
Other officials have cited the dollar’s use as a vehicle for funding terrorism and money-laundering schemes, as well as a host of other lesser crimes. The dollar's status as a reserve currency for nations around the world has caused it to become a primary vehicle for financing terror and criminal activity, and experts now grudgingly admit that it is simply too difficult to track in its physical form.
A senior analyst at one government agency explained,
“We’ve examined this problem from every angle, and we were left with two choices: switch to digital dollars, or abandon the dollar altogether and let the free market take over. In the end, digital dollars just weren’t realistic, since Bitcoin and other digital currencies were still going to be used by people here and around the world. We tried to beat them, and failed; time to join them.”
According to reports, the Treasury Department will be issuing directives in the next thirty days that will provide instructions about how dollars can be properly turned into authorities and exchanged for digital currency. Meanwhile, officials in the capital have nothing but praise for the new law. As a spokesperson for President Trump noted,
“America’s Plan to Restore Individual Liberty and Financial Openness for Our Localities and States – or the APRIL FOOLS Act for short – will revolutionize America and make it great again.”